Don’t Leave Me With my Thoughts

I care and I wish he did have something for me…
My wound? The tears. His solution? A handkerchief.
My distress shows, overflows.
A bandaid is all he offers for the external wound.
Pity.
But wait, what is this? He seeks to pacify, to hide away, while the confusion continues to flow
He’s trained himself to be blind to my pain. I wish I could do the same. I’m blinded by it.
Why pacify? Why hide? These emotions, they must embarrass him.
Something is ripping, shredding, absolutely tearing itself apart without my permission
I think it’s my heart
It’s like something broke.
And I would like to have it fixed, thank you very much.
But I can’t force these things, these feelings into his head. These thoughts, these lovely thoughts.
They’re evolving… into these new and, and suffocating sensations.
How does the memory of a great time become so clouded with such pain and confusion…
And yet, still so beautiful
How do the trivial moments manage to make such a lasting impression? How… how? How? 
And yet I want – no – I keep wishing
I just wish he would remember something
I wish that maybe he could think of a moment once together and smile – even for a half second –
because I do think his smile is beautiful.
And I wish that at least one of the smiles that brighten his face, so easily might someday be caused by me.
I know what I am to him.
I am that walking wisp of a hazy memory beside him.
Slowly fading, barely there.
And yet he? To me? He has branded me. So silly!
Oh… he does have my heart so I’ve been quite literally emptied of all feeling…
Of course, it’s sad.
Perhaps he does care… but to what extent? To what degree?
How long of a “time” and how far of a “space” must I be left alone in?
Alone. Increasing the distance between he and I.
I wish he could smile because of me and not at everything else…
Because, you see, the moment his eyes catch mine – even for a second –
his vibrancy fades and he drops the smile and I want cry…
But he’ll never ask why.
to TEAR.

Sadness, My Unexplainable Affliction

I’ve been trying to think… of something. For a while now. Anything would suffice. There are so many incomplete thoughts actually floating around my head. They refuse to become anything of substance though.

… but they don’t.

Trying to grasp at my thoughts is like throwing around the tidbits through a container, tossing and turning them like a raffle ball machine until finally the right one shows itself.

I have much of what I might call unfinished scraps of food for thought. And this one, this little one, has found the spotlight. The others? Well, they just have to wait a tad longer…

I did not think much through this, of what I wanted to convey. It’s only just beginning to come into formation.

I currently just have the most all encompassing inner sadness and I don’t know where it came from. I simply don’t… or perhaps I do. I feel the oddest mixture of sadness and inner frustration. And it’s upsetting because it came slowly and creeped in- without warning something just hit me. It just… inflicted itself on me. I’m allowing myself to just be and experience. Sometimes we ignore our emotions and let them go. I do that. Not a lot but I do. It feels like I toss out certain emotions to make way for the bigger or more important ones. Now those ones I feel. And I feel them completely and wholly. Isn’t that ridiculous? To pick and choose what I want to feel in a given moment?

The emotion of sadness will simply make itself known and then dissipate. But I don’t know what it is this time.  It doesn’t feel like anything and I don’t, quite honestly, feel like anything. I’m just here. I just here and I’m aware but the crying? What was that? I want to know why I’m feeling a bit lost.

The reason will provide itself soon enough I think.

I’m quite aware that I feel quite… blank and sad to be honest, in this very moment, at this very time. I’d like to believe it will pass and yet… at the moment it doesn’t completely feel that way.

I Could Swear It Was Just August!

Hallo, good people of the blogging universe. And Happy Thanksgiving!

I’m not the blogging type which I’ve demonstrated by my lack of posts for the last few da- Oh wait, was it a few wee- Nope. No, I’ve got it right this time. It’s been a year folks but I’m back and ready to put greater effort into maintaining this blog!

As usual, my time just flew away on angel wings and I struggle to comprehend why and how I allowed it to slip by me. It’s almost like a leaky faucet  that you put off fixing which y- Nevermind.

Halloween was very memorable for me this year as I went with my younger brother. We stol- I mean, acquired multitudes of condensed saccharine treats from many unsuspectin- by that I mean generous neighbours on at least four streets. They thought my brother was adorable in his Batman costume and me cool in my pirate costume.  But good things come to pass and it’s already water under the bridge.*

He's adorable! I'm going to miss our younger selves.

He’s adorable! I’m going to miss our younger selves.

Jack Sparrow?

Jack Sparrow?

*I had a separate post planned for Halloween. Or at least I was working on it. Wait a minute, I only had a first sentence typed out which is why a Halloween post never came into fruition. Better luck next year!

Thanksgiving is over as well. And it was a very mellow day. It was a comfortable family experience. My family doesn’t celebrate Thanksgiving in the usual glorified food fest that some American advertisements display it as. We simply never have. So a big surprise was the turkey my mother baked for that morning…or at least half of one (those birds are huge!*)

Turkeys taste...different but delicious

Turkeys taste…different but delicious nonetheless

We have no family here to have the type of feast some people enjoy, so although a very thoughtful gesture it was a waste – should I say – for the day. I’m the  only one who really ate some and it was great. But my mother doesn’t have to do this because I’m thankful enough for the very kind character that she is.

Unfortunately she had to go to work that night and it made me feel as though the world isn’t giving me enough time to do anything. I wanted her to rest and stay with us. Because for once I’d like to relax and recline and really feel as though I could do everything in my time. Stop time, you know. Float around in a perfect moment. But time is a boss and I have no control over it.

*Oh and I learnt what a turducken was this year. Sounds like a cholesterol trap to me. And by the way it’s depicted in Regular Show, (I know, completely reliable, correct?) I believe I’m not wrong.

Exaggerations and Insecurities

I love school, don’t you? It’s very short period of our lives* We’re growing up with people we might never see again but we’d like to impress them for some strange reason. Some people have insecurities; being unsure about this, or having doubts about that, or feeling anxiety around other people due to reasons of their own.

*Not short enough (*・_・)ノ⌒_I___I_

I’ve realised that with all the growing up that we’re doing a lot of us want to appear as if the little things in our lives are so fantastic.  We’d like to be remembered as ‘Jon who knocked out 20 kids at once’ or ‘Jewels was in that catfight so bad the other girls couldn’t grow their hair again’ or even more unbelievable as ‘*Insert name* who didn’t do a single assignment or iota of work but still

I wonder how I survived THAT?

passed middle/high school’.

I mean what is this ridiculousness? Exaggerating about something you did once (or didn’t do, in this case) will do nothing, absolutely nothing for you or your life. Personally, I’m not really bothered by it nor do I hate the people doing it but y’know all I want to say is… Is. your. whole. life. a freaking. story?  No, seriously… why can’t there be a normal conversation in which I

won’t have to hear you dive of a commercial plane or walk inside a volcano because you’re fireproof?*

*Sounds and looks better in a cartoon.

People should get busy living and possibly change things about themselves to better their personalities. So that they won’t rely on making up grand lives.

I think everyone has insecurities and it’s something most people are able to sympathise with, mainly because of the very competitive world we live in. Even the very high and mighty have some little thing they consider as their major flaw, something they can’t afford to have anyone know. Their Achilles heel, if you may. But we all contribute to people making exaggerations about themselves because sometimes we’re just to ignorant to see their pain. Other times it’s just people who want to live grand lives or people who’d like you to see how much better their lives are than yours.

Languages

I really like the sound of languages. I’m learning a lot in languages as well as the cultures of certain languages. From here on I might occasionally sprinkle random sentences or phrases throughout my posts. Sometimes I might try to write a full post (or at least part of it) in a language. So for  those of you that speak the following, French, Chinese, Korean, Twi* and Portuguese (maybe) I hope you’ll be impressed by what I know now. I’ll continue to learn more languages to impress you.  There will be rarer occasions where I might actually try to write a whole section in a language that isn’t English. Remember that the keyword is ‘try’.

*I doubt I’ll get many readers that actually speak
my native language…  ( ̄▽ ̄)ノ

Learning many languages has its disadvantages as well as advantages. For example, although I’ve taken French from 3rd grade, which means it’s almost been 7 years since, I’m beginning to forget a lot. It isn’t that I can’t grasp the language but when I got into Korean, I’d reached the more challenging part of the French language and Korean language has its own set of rules. I began to make little mistakes in my work once in a while… and then I made the choice of asking if I can learn  Mandarin as well for one of my school classes. Aish* I’m only going to learn Mandarin for my freshman year. Along with French, that’s cool. Later on I asked my Mandarin teacher about it only to confirm it. Now I’ve learned that I’m apparently going to take Mandarin and French all. three. years. of. highschool.

*Feelings of frustration

Did I seriously think,  I was going to have it that easy? I’m pretty good at Mandarin but two languages…what am I even doing?

**The Mandarin class counts for credit even though it’s supposed to be an online class only for seniors taking that language. It’s not like I listened though… and when I asked at the beginning I couldn’t wait until they made some arrangements. They somehow managed to get me in though and now I’ve gotta face the music. I love that class anyway and I’ll try not forget anything….

even though it’s already happening.

Ending and Beginning ?

2014-04-21

Hullo? And goodbye.

I’m just going to keep typing here until I’m satisfied. So here goes.

A year, so much has happened… It’s done, it’s over. And yet it’s not. I can’t simply close off my feelings but I can and will hide them deftly. You let me open up to you in a way… and that now it’s done, I can open up differently. I don’t know if the content I’m spewing here is full of frivolous nonsense, but they’re my nonsensical thoughts and I claim them to be mine. I hope to build up more for myself. As you will for yourself. A friendship can be stronger anyways. Wouldn’t it be nice to talk about nothing… and yet… everything? No boundaries. It’ll see itself through. THIS will see itself through. I won’t hope for anything but que sera, sera. I may not be the most eloquent speaker or writer but I have confidence in my ability to bring my thoughts into manifestations.Whatever happens, happens. Has happened. Will happen.

I wish I could restart my heart though. I regret… *trails off* anyways…

I’m afflicted with the human emotive expression of caring about everything and everyone. It’s a gift…

2014-05-15

Says my heart…

And yet speaking of my heart, can I trade it in for a different one? Why do I feel everything magnified? This one must be defective. I might have to fool myself into “turning it off”. Yes, just turning it all off. But I can manage and I can fake a smile but after all that is gone, I’ll learn and grow from it and it’ll all be fine soon.  I’ll miss the random time I was greeted with a hug which came with an overflow of emotions. A random night. The hug was the perfect type of contact to break my crumbling walls. I thought I was okay back then but somehow you made sure I was okay. I’m thankful for that. I might have said it then but I’m saying it now again: I am thankful. My view here is one sided, I’d be happy to hear yours one day and perhaps articulate better to you, what I’m really trying to say.